Not-So Great News

So, the issue with Anthem seems to be resolved. We are not quite certain whethere MPRI will be considered an in-network or an out-of-network expense (I've been told one thinng; Alysia, who is the best sister and designated insurance representative in the wolrd, has been told another). Either way, Bloomington now has some assurance that they will get paid and will consider treating me.

However, it appears asif planning/scheduling treatments at MPRI in Bloomington may be problematic. I received an alarming email from Kim, Dr. Thornton's nurse, indicating that they have scheduled my first planning appointment for July 5, 2006. The email was apologetic and vague, and I am unable to discern whether they mean that I would not begin radiation until July (which I was already not happy about but had accepted as the reality of the situation and calculated that there was still a good chance I would be home when school started in August) OR that they would not begin writing my plan until July (which means that I would not even be starting my treatments in Bloomington until August).

Through some divine intervention, I was able to formulate a calm email response asking for clarification. I am not, however, feeling so calm. I am not under some misconception that this month could be the difference between life and death. After all, I've lived with this cancer for 10 years now and it hasn't killed me. Yet, this is cancer. It is not lying dormant. Until we start treating it, it is progressing in some capacity. If MPRI does not start radiation until August, essentially I will have sat around and let this cancer grown and multiply for nearly half a year. And I will have been forced to do that because and I quote, "Unfortunately, we've met our quota of treatments for May and June." That is a a little hard to digest. Right now I cannot smile, chew on my right side, or taste much of anything. I'm having a hard time articulating my words (one of the hardest to say is my own last name) becasue my the right side of my lip does not move. I cannot blink my right eye, consequently it is becoming dry and fatigued which is affecting my vision (my sincerest apologies to the mailbox and three curbs I've nearly demolished). So, here I am wondering..... "What the heck am I going to be like by the time they actually get around to radiating me?"

If you can't already tell, I am losing some steam here. It seems like my optimism and strength are being whittled away by intertia. That is scary to me because Dr. Thornton explicitly told me that attitude makes all the difference with this cancer. It just does not seem humane to tell a person "The best thing you can do for yourself and for this cancer is keep a positive attitude" and then turn around and give them news/information/obstacles that makes it virtually impossible to follow "doctor's orders."

I apologize for being a kill-joy at 5:00 a.m. (I guess the good news is that I went to bed at a decent hour and did not really get up until now. This is the second night in a row :)) I've always been pretty confident about teaching literature to my students, but I don't think Ive ever really mastered teaching writing. If there is one thing I want you guys to know about writing it is this: Readers are not stupid. They can spot a cover-up a mile away. When it comes down to it, writing really can't be categorized as "good" or "bad"; it's simply honest and from the heart or a lie. The whole point of this online journal is to lead by example, and I refuse to be a liar.

Okay...I promise to update you all later. I expect a fairly quick response from MPRI as all they have to do is tell me which of the two scenarios I outlined they are actually proposing. I am going to begin a draft of my email response as if they are proposing the worst-case scenario so that I don't lose even more time. Perhaps I will just post the whole thing on the blog when I'm done. I also promise I'll write something more uplifting later. I've been working on a great little ode (because I need to thank some people) that actually reads like a limerick (because I came three applicaple words/phrases that actually rhyme with radiation). I'll try to redeem myself from this rant later.