The Ship is Sinking

To be honest, I've been avoiding updating the blog. I know that is stupid. It's just that I am in a place where I cannot think of anything witty of positive to say.

On Wednesday night I got a voicemail message from Maureen at the University of Chicago. While I was in the hopsital there, they took another MRI. The "tumor board" met and reviewed my MRI results by comparing this MRI with the one on file from back in January. It is obvious that there have been changes and growth in the mass in my brain. At first, I was in total and complete shock. I parked my car in the garage and just sat there for a few minutes. My shock gave way to anger -- Why more bad news? I feel like I deserve a break here. Doesn't God owe me some good news at some point? (Don't worry...I already know the answer to that qusetion. I'm just attempting to be honest about my feelings here).

I think now I'm just in a spot where my spirits are sinking. I feel like this situation continues to get worse and worse. It's hard to expect it to get better because everytime I do I just end up being more disappointed. I spent the evening at Karl & Danielle's and they prayed with me. Danielle even came back and spent the night at my house (bless her and Karl for giving her up for the evening). That helped some.

At this point, I feel like I've grown numb. It almost feels as if I'm sleepwalking through my own life. I received another voicemail from U of C yesterday. I have a consultation with Dr. Yaminin, their cheif neurosurgeon, on Monday. They now would like to proceed with a biopsy and propose that we do the biopsy on Wednesday. On Monday he is going to give me details about the procedure and I will be able to tell you all more then. I do know that they plan to try to resect several samples of tissue so that they can come up with some conclusive answer as to whether or not this is cancer or scar tissue. I was really hoping that they would be able to use the ENT surgeon and perform the biopsy through my ear; however, that is an impossibility and the tumor board agrees that their best chance of getting a good tissue sample is by going directly through my brain. Obviously that is an incredibly scary through to me. I'm sure Dr. Yamini has cut into the human brain a million times -- but I've never had mine cut into. The prospect is terrifying.

I'm sure that this post gives you a number of specific ideas about how you can pray for me/my family. More than anything I feel like I need some renewal of hope. It all seems to be fading away at the present time :(