Spinning Out of Control

Doctor Thornton mentioned today that one of his main concerns was my ability to sleep through the night. Hmm...I wonder why?

I woke up at 3:30 a.m. thinking about the Cyclotron. A cyclotron is a huge machine that accelerates charged particles in a circular motion until they reach nearly the speed of light. Even though these particles have amazing power and energy, they are virtually useless bundles until they are released from their spinning pattern. Then, at some magical moment, a random door is opened and one tiny particle is bent and molded and used for something of purpose.

I'm not much of a scientific guru, but I think the actual process of what is about to happen to me presents an amazing analogy about life. The cool thing about proton radiation is that this one tiny, positively-charged particle has the ability to enter my body and fight its way through all the negatively-charged particles (electrons account for something like 82% of our bodies). And, when this positive little peon has fought so hard that he can go no further, he releases all of his positive energy into my body and essentially has the power to kill the negative. That is truly amazing when you think about it. One positive particle, even if it is outweighed or outnumbered, has the ability to destroy all the negative around it?

Maybe we're all just really caught spinning in some cyclotron. We've got this one positive source of energy that has the capacity to heal all of the crap, but we just keep spinning around and around simply because we're accustomed to it. We're caught in a holding pattern because we're disappointed about things that have or haven't happened to us, convince ourselves that we're stuck because of something someone else did to us, get angry with God if he doesn't give us everything we ask for on our exact terms. Maybe we're all just wasting our energy. All we really have to do is let go and stop spinning.

Okay... now that I've written all of this, I feel like I should re-title this blog "Deep Thoughts with Ashli Hepler" or make some off-the-cuff funny remark to reassure you all that I'm not going to totally lose it and turn into some out-of-control sappy chick (Although Dr. Thornton did tell me a story about a patient of his who tried to fly out of her third-story window due to a steroid-induced psychotic break.....That would almost be amusing if he didn't follow it up by explaining that we're on the exact same medication and dosage). Let's just chalk this entry up as me going through some serious withdrawal from my social work classes. Maybe I'll stop in and see Dave Replogle tomorrow :)