Guest Writer

Hi, my name is Lori (Schuster) Cloud and I am today’s guest writer (and I use the term loosely) on Ashli’s blog. I am out in sunny California with her at the moment. It is 6 a.m. but I am still on Michigan time…she has conformed and is at this moment sleeping.

I have read many of your comments on her blog and she is blessed to have such supportive friends and family. You are all very kind in your words (with the possible exception of Alysia who is loving but has sarcasm streaming from her very pores and that is why I like her so much). I say all of this because you will probably find me harsh and abrasive and will not like me. I say it as I see it. I am like Ashli—except she has cancer so no matter what she says you can forgive her.

So, with that disclaimer, I will forge ahead. As I lay here this morning pondering what I might tell you in order to give insight into the mind of Ashli Fay Hepler (I don’t know her middle name and I haven’t had enough coffee to go ask)—one thing kept coming to mind—Ashli has strong opinions—about absofreaking everything. Today, I will not only uncover some of her most recent revelations—but will try and delve into the root cause of these feelings. Join me, won’t you?

The Likes and Dislikes of Ashli Fay Hepler:

1. ASHLI HATES MOUNTAINS.
When I went outside the first morning after I arrived, I saw these incredible mountains right behind Ashli’s apartment. I thought they were magnificent and every time I turn the car in their direction it takes my breath away. Ashli does not like the mountains. Apparently, while she is in favor of mountains in general, these mountains are not green. She believes them to be brown, however, they are more like the color of charcoal. Ashli ignores the mountains with as much indifference as Corlissa ignores stop signs. I don’t know why Ashli cannot accept the ‘brown mountains’—my guess is that she watched the “Sound of Music” too often as a child and came here expecting the Alps.

2. ASHLI LIKES SHOPPING.
I get it that this is not a revelation to anyone. In fact, Mastercard apparently sent a memo to all of the shoe stores in the Rancho Cucomonga area warning them of her impending arrival and suggesting they review their staffing requirements. In order to help you understand how Ashli’s apartment is situated I will try and paint a picture giving parameters that most of you are familiar with. Picture Grape Road. Triple it. Compact it into an area 1/3 of its current size. Add palm trees. Drop an apartment building on the perimeter and add a Starbucks for good measure. Welcome to Ashli’s little patch of paradise.

3. ASHLI LIKES PUKING.
At first, I assumed that Ashli hates puking as much as the next person. Now, however, I am beginning to have my doubts. While radiation does not normally cause one to vomit, Ashli has to take a shot to protect her salivary glands. This drug makes her vomit. She is taking a drug for nausea and it has helped some but, as I learned in vivid color last night—not all the way. I have been insisting that Ashli speak to the doctor about adding an additional drug so she need not vomit at all. Ashli is sheepish about that request. Yes, I used the words “sheepish” and “Ashli” in the same sentence. When I asked, the nurse responded like this was a definite possibility. Yet Ashli remains oddly silent on the matter. This leads me to the following conclusions:
--she refuses to get more medication because now she can be openly bulimic…without facing the stigma often attached to eating disorders.
--like a pregnant woman uses morning sickness and pregnancy to get corn dogs and chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream at 2 a.m., Ashli felt she needed a reason to explain why the only thing in her refrigerator is Jello and whipped cream.

It is a double edged sword however and I’m not sure she thought it all through. True, by playing the nausea card and skipping additional drugs, Ashli can get her friends to make her strawberry shortcake with home-baked biscuits for dinner. Unfortunately, she neglected to see down the road a little bit to a time when we would both be picking chunks of strawberries out of shag carpeting.

4. ASHLI HATES CANCER.
To say that cancer sucks is cliché at this point. Cancer reeks, it ravages, it destroys. Cancer takes you away from your family and your friends. It puts your life into a blender and chops it into something unrecognizable. It tears it into shreds and leaves it in a pile at your feet. I can’t blame Ashli for hating cancer—I hate it too. I hate it, but, I must give it its due. While cancer destroys it also regenerates. It allows us to be born again—not just spiritually but holistically. It reveals who we are underneath and opens our eyes to see past the little things. Cancer is much easier to hate than a brown mountain—but, despite its hideous façade-- it reminds us that life—and friends—are precious.