Overwhelmed

I am so overwhelmed by amazing people in my life that I am writing this entry with the express purpose of raving about the following groups of people:

My Family
You guys are amazing! I cannot tell you how much it meant to Corlissa (and by extension to me) that you dropped everything on Saturday to come see her off to prom. I want everyone to know that my baby sister and her husband drove 4 hours from Indy just to take some pictures and then turned around and went home. Not only is Anne a gifted photographer, she's also on top of things. She's already developed the photos and they're in the mail (I'll get some posted ASAP). Of course, it meant just as much that you were there, Mom and Alysia. I know you both had other things to do. I hope you all understand the power of the message you communicated to Ru -- that she is a part of this family and a priority. Finally, Karl & Danielle, you guys rock! It was so nice to take pictures at the house rather than my apartment. You opened your home up to my entire family on a Saturday afternoon and even let my sister take your family pictures off the mantle of the fireplace. I hope you both know that, in my heart of hearts, I know that we are family -- I have no need or compulsion to even attach an insignificant word like "extended."

Awesome Adolescents of Elkhart Memorial Student Government
Mrs. Rost, Mrs. Hartman, and I had arranged to meet on Friday to tie up some loose ends before prom. We elected the nail salon as our meeting venue. Imagine my surprise when I went to pay for my manicure and pedicure only to find that it had been "taken care of." At first, I was convinced that Mrs. Rost and Mrs. Hartman were behind this. Mrs. Hartman then explained to me that, instead, these amazing kids in student government had concocted this top-secret plan to turn me into a prom princess, but wait .... the fun doesn't stop there folks! On Saturday, I went to get my hair done. When I went to pay, there was a gift certificate waiting at the counter. By this point, I was totally and completely shocked (I wonder if I'm the only person to ever cry at the counter of Borics out of pure joy?)! These kids orchestrated the whole thing -- from birth, to budget, to fruition. I am going to slap the next person who says adolescents are self-absorbed. Seriously guys...I don't know that I can ever express in words what that meant to me. I went to prom and, I must tell you, I looked pretty dang good! I know that must sound cocky, but those of you who know me know that I broke up with my mirror back in high school (primarily because I think he is a bold-faced liar) and usually walk out the door on the hope and prayer that I don't have something hanging out of my nose. I hope that you all know that your gift was more than hands and hair and nails. You made me feel truly amazing on Saturday night!

I love you all!

Boundaries Revised

Okay...setting boundaries can be difficult....The worst thing you can do is beat yourself up over the fact that you are having a hard time sticking to the new rules.

Try to compromise instead.

Instead of blogging, I just edited all of my blogs. I hope that you will find that my entires are now virtually error-free.

Boundaries

I just want you all to know that I am awake. It is 3:36 am, and I am totally and completely alert. What I am not going to do, however, is blog. I am setting some boundaries with you, Blogspot! You can no longer keep me up until all hours of the night -- my first hour class is quite manipulative and will try to convince me that it is okay if we just sleep for the entire period.

Anyway...still no results on that PET Scan. I'm guessing Monday. It is weird. I was really worried when I was waiting on my biopsy results. I truly haven't been worried about this test, though. I think that is a good sign. I'm really learning that I have good gut instincts.

I have so many things in my head that I want to write about right now. You all need to know that there is a heavy blog on it's way as soon as I have to time to really do it justice. It is ironic that I've spent nearly 32 years whining around about stupid stuff in my life.......And now, in the midst something that I actually might be entitled to whine about, I have truly never been more at peace. Stay tuned for more on that.

I am going to bed, and none of you can stop me!

Guess Who's Back?

Dear Students: When your lazy little tails amble through the entrance of Memorial High School tomorrow morning, Slim Shady will not be there to greet you and demand to see your I.D. I, Ashli C. Hepler, will however. In fairness to all of you, I have composed a list of changes that may/may not affect you personally:

~Steroids make you very hungry. If I ask for food or a beverage, someone should sprint to the snack machine immediately. The other downside to steroids is rage. I hope you do not ever have to witness this side effect first-hand. As long as you follow the food policy, we'll probably be okay.

~My pain medication makes me incredibly tired; however, my best time is in the morning (unless I've stayed up too late typing these crazy blogs), but I sure am glad we have a couch in our room. Perhaps we could work together to come up with a story about what we're working on should I be napping on the couch when an administrator walks into the room? Visualizing the town of Maycomb and the Finch neighborhood might do.

~Plan to talk about some science. I have recently gained a new appreciation for it. In fact, should you find yourself sitting next to someone in our classroom who is quite gifted in math or science and you elect to tease him/her or call him/her a "nerd" simply because they are passionate about school or equations or particles instead of the things you are into, you will most definitely experience my wrath. I'm guessing somewhere along the line Dr. Thornton or Dr. Wheeler got made fun of. These are the guys I'm relying on to save my life.

~I will have a positive attitude. You will have a positive attitude. Research proves that optimism is one of my best defenses.

~Okay, I'll be realistic. We're probably all still going to have our bad days. I can accept that. The thing I will not accept is you dragging me or someone else down should you find yourself in a funk. I have come to the conclusion that the number one problem affecting our school and test scores is that those of you who cannot figure out how to get back on track are bound and determined to drag your friends and classmates down simply because you don't want to be the only one who can't get it together. I will still try to help you find the strength to fight for yourself. If you cannot find the strength to pull yourself up, please just promise me that you won't steal someone else's chance.

~I no longer have the time to worry about insignificant things such as whether the DOL crates are color-coded and organized. I don't really give two craps about the symmetry of the pillows on our couch. I'm letting go of stupid stuff like that. Alright, I haven't changed that much...I might be willing to offer extra credit to someone who wants to be the classroom housekeeper.

~I am currently working on the best ISTEP prompt in the world. Let's begin brainstorming a letter in which we all breakup with my tumor. I guess we've been together going on a decade now, but this dude is dragging me down. I think if hate mail were an actual genre of writing on the ISTEP, we'd probably pull out some serious 6s and our entire school would pass the writing portion of the test. It's still going to be an exercise in formal writing, so you should all begin working on creative adjectives and adverbs you can use in place of the cuss words.

~I am still alive. And as long as I'm still alive, we're going to do some serious learning. Get your pencils and papers ready!

Stay Away!

I just want everyone to know that I am currently radioactive!

Full Bloom

Alright, I'm a day late. Those of you who are checking in regularly are probably incredibly annoyed that I have not updated since Bloomington. I've heard from several of you who were just curious about the drive. Was it scenic? Are the flowers in bloom? Let me just clear something up before we get down to the nitty-gritty of Bloomington: While visions of daffodils and aphids and walking barefoot in the grass may take your breath away, do not attempt to convince me that it would be lovely to drive to Bloomington this time of year. When I close my eyes and conjure up fatasies of blooms, we're talking about Bloomingdales. Until 37N is lined solely with designer boutiques and haute couture, I intend to stay bitter about the drive. Now that we've gotten that out of the way.....

My good friend Nicki (Ms. Homo to some of you. Nope, not a joke to those of you who don't know her. Furthermore, she's pregnant and desperately seeking names that will not result in lifelong torment for her child. I have a sneaking suspicion that some of you who are reading this still specialize in re-configuring people's names "all in good fun." Maybe we can all brainstorm this one together?) picked me up around 8:00, and we hit the road. We arrived in Bloomington just in time. MPRI was easy to find. In fact, it's basically across the street from Assembly Hall. It is definitely not your typical doctor's office. Rather, it is more like a billion-dollar scientific facility.

Dr. Thornton was actually late for our consultation because he underwent an emergency root canal earlier in the morning. His nurse gave us a tour that made me feel like I had stepped into the Discovery Channel. Anyway, Dr. Thornton finally arrived, and Nicki and I began an hour-long lesson in the complete history of protons. I'm pretty sure she regrets taking the day off.

Anyway, much of what we learned was not new information. Dr. Thornton concurs with my diagnosis, but he is also securing the actual sample taken from my biopsy to get a second opinion. He believes this tumor has been developing for 10 full years and commented that I've basically wasted all the money I've spent over the last decade trying to combat my allergy/sinus/headache problems.

While Dr. Thornton agrees that this is a tough cancer because it is so unpredictable, it has some traits that will probably help us in the long run. For example, a typical cancer might double in size over the course of two days. Adenoid Cycstic tumors tend to double in size about every year. This is the reason he feels pretty confident that it has not metastasized. In fact, he basically told me that the PET Scan was a waste of my money (Don't worry....we're doing at noon today anyway. How can you put a price on peace of mind? Furthermore, if Anthem is going to screw me out of $3,100 in out-of-pocket expenses, they're definitely paying for every single dang thing that I might possibly need over the course of the next 6 months. Perhaps I'll re-think this in January). It will take about two days to get the results of the PET. So please don't start calling me at 3:00 today asking about the results :)

The two other specialists who reviewed my case were quite concerned about the size and location of my tumor. Dr. Thornton said mine is a "cake walk" compared to some that he has seen. It is lower rather than higher (which is a good thing) and approximately 5 full mm from my brain stem. His ultimate goal is to hit the thing hard with protons and avoid all other critical systems. With normal radiation this can be a problem. Protons can be shaped and molded and directed within 1mm of accuracy.

One of the absolute most interesting things that we learned about Adenoid Cystic Carcinoma is that its origin is virtually impossible to explain scientifically. It is not connected to genetics, environment, or personal habits. In fact, the one thing they have learned about it is that it is directly linked to a protein that the brain produces in conjunction with the immune system and mood. Here is where it gets really crazy. There is actual scientific evidence that suggests that a positive attitude and optimism can phsycially shrink the tumor. Dr. Thornton even wants me to keep pictures of my MRI on the wall and visualize it away (I'm sure glad I'm a part of Coach Rost's volleyball program. I'm a pro at this visualization stuff). Scientists are baffled by the phenomena, but there are number of case studies to suggest it works. I've never had a shortfall of attitude. Let's hope mine can kick this tumor's a*#!

Okay, now for the crappy news. After four hours in Bloomington, we still don't have a treatment plan hammered out. Dr. Thornton predicts that it will take a team of of scientists approximately one month to get the math and physics ready for my case. I have to be fitted for molds so that I will be completely immobile during radiation. I have to have plastic teeth guards made. A 3D composite made of lucite and brass must be built to the exact specifications of my tumor and connected to the robot who will deliver my radiations. I have to have several screws the size of bbs implanted in my head so that they can take exact measurements each time they aim the radiation. Crazy, huh?

Radiation is a funny thing. Certain parts of your body can only handle so much of it. When you go in for a CT Scan, you might receive 3 rads of radiation. Your spine can only take about 4,500 rads. Your eyes can handle a max of 5,400. It's going to take a cumulative total of 7,600 rads of radiation to kill this tumor. Since traditional radiation can't avoid things like the optical nerve or brain stem, they can't safely give me this dose unless it is done with protons. For this reason, Dr. Thornton is reconsidering whether I should undergo traditional radiation in Goshen. Essentially, he can't sacrifice giving me the full dose of protons. Currently, Dr. Wheeler is working on his treatment plan from Goshen. Dr. Thornton is working on his from Bloomington. When they have finished their respective plans, they will come together to decide whether there is any safe way to start me out in Goshen without sacrificing the full dosage in Bloomington -- even if it means I have to wait over a month to start and live in Bloomington for 8 weeks of the summer, Dr. Thornton is unwilling to compromise my care. We'll see. I'm praying for a combo plan that works.

Right now I'm caught in limbo land. Who the heck knows when I'm going to start radiation. It could be next week. It could be June. Dr. Thornton anticipated that he would bring me back down to Bloomington next week for at least two days to begin getting all my gear ready. Until then, we've worked out a plan that will help me not go so stir-crazy. I seriously feel like I've been living in doctors' offices for the last 3 weeks!

It's Me...Ruby!!!

Corlissa & Ricky

I just want to say thanks to everybody that has supported me and my white momma!!! Of course, I'm taking it kind of hard, but with her I will get through it without a doubt and with all of the good support from you guys. Thanks so much again. I love all the comments everybody wrote about me. Thanks a lot. It really makes me feel good about myself. Well, I can give you guys a little update on me. My grades are improving big-time. I'm so proud of myself. And, I met the boy of my dreams. He is amazing!
Thanks to everyone!
Corlissa

Spinning Out of Control

Doctor Thornton mentioned today that one of his main concerns was my ability to sleep through the night. Hmm...I wonder why?

I woke up at 3:30 a.m. thinking about the Cyclotron. A cyclotron is a huge machine that accelerates charged particles in a circular motion until they reach nearly the speed of light. Even though these particles have amazing power and energy, they are virtually useless bundles until they are released from their spinning pattern. Then, at some magical moment, a random door is opened and one tiny particle is bent and molded and used for something of purpose.

I'm not much of a scientific guru, but I think the actual process of what is about to happen to me presents an amazing analogy about life. The cool thing about proton radiation is that this one tiny, positively-charged particle has the ability to enter my body and fight its way through all the negatively-charged particles (electrons account for something like 82% of our bodies). And, when this positive little peon has fought so hard that he can go no further, he releases all of his positive energy into my body and essentially has the power to kill the negative. That is truly amazing when you think about it. One positive particle, even if it is outweighed or outnumbered, has the ability to destroy all the negative around it?

Maybe we're all just really caught spinning in some cyclotron. We've got this one positive source of energy that has the capacity to heal all of the crap, but we just keep spinning around and around simply because we're accustomed to it. We're caught in a holding pattern because we're disappointed about things that have or haven't happened to us, convince ourselves that we're stuck because of something someone else did to us, get angry with God if he doesn't give us everything we ask for on our exact terms. Maybe we're all just wasting our energy. All we really have to do is let go and stop spinning.

Okay... now that I've written all of this, I feel like I should re-title this blog "Deep Thoughts with Ashli Hepler" or make some off-the-cuff funny remark to reassure you all that I'm not going to totally lose it and turn into some out-of-control sappy chick (Although Dr. Thornton did tell me a story about a patient of his who tried to fly out of her third-story window due to a steroid-induced psychotic break.....That would almost be amusing if he didn't follow it up by explaining that we're on the exact same medication and dosage). Let's just chalk this entry up as me going through some serious withdrawal from my social work classes. Maybe I'll stop in and see Dave Replogle tomorrow :)

MENSA Here I Come!

Okay...I know everyone is anxious to read about the consultation in Bloomington. We were with the doctor for four straight hours and have at least 7 pages of notes. I'm worn out. I promise to get up early tomorrow and type a full report for all of you! Until then, I will leave you with the most important piece of information that we gleaned from Dr. Allan F. Thornton, physician and scientist extraordinaire:

Did you know that you can actually measure a person's intelligence by counting the number of gyri, or bends and folds, that appear in the human brain? After looking at my MRI, Dr. Thornton says he is fully confident that I am somewhere near the 95th percentile in intelligence! Hey...does anybody know how many gyri it takes to pass ISTEP? Somebody should call "Our Man Mitch" about this!

DOL Ain't (oops...Isn't) Dead!

Dear Students:

First of all, I want you to know that I sincerely and deeply appreciate all of the heart-felt comments you are leaving on my blog. Many of my friends and relatives have mentioned that reading your comments is one of their favorite aspects of this online journal.

While I definitely want you to keep writing and commenting (hey...if the right people in Elkhart Community Schools read this thing, I might even get a pay raise), we have a major issue to resolve: Those readers who are viewing your comments have asked me if I ever taught you sentence structure, spelling, and grammar. Apparently, they are wondering if I really am such a good teacher since your blog comments show no evidence of growth in writing mechanics.

Now... we both know that one of the main lessons I have taught you this year is writing for your audience. Who are you writing to? What is your purpose? Will this be graded? If so, how? Is this a formal task or an informal one? You have learned to adjust your writing accordingly. I think this is one of the most important aspects of writing. Okay...now you know and I know that commenting on someone's blog qualifies as an informal writing task. I would lump this type of writing into the same category as emailing or text messaging. I want you all to have peace in your hearts. I am definitely NOT circling commas or grading your comments. I have not intentions of doing so ever. In fact, I'm pretty sure there was some mention of grading on the warning label of my prescription for Vicodin or Dilaudid or Decadron (or one of the numerous other drugs I'm hyped up on).

In order to save my reputation and the reputation or Elkhart Memorial High School, however, I feel like I need to institute a new student comment policy. I have officially declared the next four days "Formal Comment Only" days on my blog. Between now and Tuesday, you must show these anal retentive readers that you can, in fact, adhere to the guidelines of the English language. Write to me as if you were writing a letter. Check your capitalization, spelling, comma use. Be sure you keep your tense consistent. Maybe you could even show these nerds a semicolon or two. That will teach them a lesson!

If you all love and miss me as much as you say you do, I trust you will be willing to make this sacrifice for me. Hopefully, like us, my readers will come to their senses and realize that blogging is not remotely similar to essay-writing and leave us both alone. Through the major improvement in your DOLs over the semester, you've all proven yourselves to me. Let's just humor these readers and show them that what we're capable of.

I'll keep reviewing your comments (although, you might fight yours deleted if you don't follow the new formal-commenting policy and continue to slander my good name). Provided you step up to the plate and re-establish our reputations, the ban will be lifted on Tuesday!

Thanks in advance for your cooperation,
Miss Hepler

Catching Up

Corlissa Newbern, Age 16
a.k.a "Rissa Ru" a.k.a
"Ru" a.k.a "Ruby"
Many of you have commented or written to me about how much in my life has changed since we last talked. I've gotten tons of questions about Corlissa. Therefore, I just thought I'd write a little about that situation. Luckily, she does not get online very often, hence she will probably be naive to this posting and be saved from the mortification of having her life on the world wide web. Furthermore, she has big dreams of modeling some day. Perhaps having her mug shot and life story posted all over my blog will serve as her "big break" and I will ultimately be forgiven for this heinous parental violation.

I began considering the idea of foster-parenting last year. One of the most difficult aspects of teaching is sitting by idly as so many kids with promise lose ground as a result of circumstances that they did not create. I just grew disgusted and tired of watching these kids struggle to stay focused and keep on the right path in spite of their tumultuous home lives. The opportunity to take Ru in came at just after I had decided to officially begin the process of applying to be a foster parent.

I don't think either of us knew how long she would be here, and let me tell you, we have had to iron out some serious kinks (Take my advice, folks....If you're going to take in a 16 year-old girl, pick an ugly one. I think her beauty is the bane of my existence). Despite the struggles we've had, I am certain of one thing: My life is no longer just about me. She has taught me a great deal about myself, the nature of God, and has made me a heck of a lot less selfish in the process. While the whole thing might seem stifling to some of you, words cannot express how much freedom it has brought me. Ironic, huh?

Anyway... Corlissa's a sophomore and about to turn 17. She is a good kid. She's managed to stay out of trouble, works hard in school, and has dreams for her life. She's got a nice boyfriend (I even had a hand in setting them up), and I believe she's finally experiencing some true peace and happiness in her life. Watching this transformation has been one of the greatest gifts I've been given.

We both keep in close contact with Corlissa's family. Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure we've both gained a new family. Let me tell you, though, being inducted into the world of black backyard barbecues has seriously thrown a wrench in my weight-loss schemes. I am whiter than snow, but am welcomed with open arms in "the hood." I've probably never been safer in my life.... some very influential people have my back.

Anyway... I'm hoping this satisfies your curiosity. Karl Black once told me that his world was turned upside down and suddenly filled with purpose beyond his comprehension the instant Braden was born. I couldn't fathom it at the time, but I think I'm beginning to understand a little. There's a line in an Indigo Girls song that says "the closer I'm bound in love to you, the closer I am to free" I'm not necessarily recommending you all go out and get pregnant or take in a transient teenager or anything, but it's a feeling I think everyone should experience at some point in their lifetime.

(N.B.L Ruby)

The Loop

And now for a brief vocabulary quiz.....

In which sentence is the term "the loop" correctly used?

A. The Loop is a new show on Fox that will likely be cancelled before I begin radiation.
B. Some tourists get suckered into visiting The Loop, a busy area of Chicago, only to find that its shopping is definitely inferior to that of the Gold Coast.
C. I'm having a hard time keeping you all in the loop because my doctors keep changing the dang treatment plan every day!
D. All of the above.

If you chose the letter D, you are correct!

So, folks, I'm going to make this update brief simply because, if the past is any predictor of the present, the game-plan will change again tomorrow morning and writing at 2:45 in the morning will be all for naught.

Dr. Wheeler (Radiation Oncologist at Center for Cancer Care in Goshen) called today to tell me that he has been discussing my treatment plan with Dr. Thornton (he'll be my doctor in Bloomington). Perhaps there's some unwritten rule that you are ultimately classified as "pathetic" when there are more doctors programmed into your cell phone directory than friends?

Anyway... the docs have decided to work together to tailor a radiation program that will be the most aggressive and effective. There are distinct benefits to each center's radiation. At Goshen, the radiation will be directed by computer, and Dr. Wheeler will be sure that the radiation is hitting the center of the tumor. Proton radiation in Bloomington is just some super-powered radiation that is going to wipe this thing out. They have decided that I will now undergo a combination of IMRT radiation and Proton radiation. Under this plan, I will stay in Goshen for 5 weeks and receive radiation two times a day, two hours apart. Each session will be preceded by a shot that should protect my salivary glands so that my teeth don't fall out (Trust me... I'm cool with it. The prospects of losing a strip of hair and all me teeth screams white trash wonderland). Then, they will ship me off to Bloomington to enjoy a three-week course of Proton Radiation to blast all the cancerous cells that remain.

I'm scheduled for a consult in Bloomington on Monday. They are officially in charge of setting the program. My PET Scan will be administered sometime next week and I will probably start radiation on May 1st. I'm already counting the weeks. This means I will be finishing radiation at Goshen the first week of June and heading to Bloomington from June 5-23. Not my first choice. I plan to ask the doctors if the treatment will be compromised if we flip-flop the plan so that I begin my radiation in Bloomington and am home the last 5 weeks. I would also settle for a plan where we alternate two weeks Goshen/1 week Bloomington. Obviously I don't want to be gone the first three weeks of summer when Corlissa and all of my closest friends are out of school and here to drive my tumor-infested tail around to all these appointments. Furthermore, my birthday falls during this second course of treatment, and for those of you who have gotten a free pass for forgetting in the past, you are hereby warned: This birthday is going to be big. If you all start saving $1 a day, you will have each saved $49 by my birthday (not factoring in interest-bearing checking or savings). To date, 39 people have officially commented on my blog. I anticipate there are at least another 11 who have read and not commented. That is 50 blog readers at $49 each. Essentially, I'm expecting a minimum of $2,500 worth of presents this year. I will be accepting gift cards and cash (ignore those who tell you both are too impersonal.... we're talking about birthday earnings that could account for approximately 5% of the $50,000 of medial bills I will probably be receiving in the next calendar year!)

Okay... that's it for tonight. I'm sure I'll have more to talk about tomorrow. I've got another exciting trip planned to the dentist (I was already there for 2 1/2 hours today) followed by a trip to the Endocrinologist. If you can't reach me via cell, just assume I'm sitting in some doctor's office and text me. I have become quite the sneaky text messenger. They'll never know I'm breaking the "no cellular device within 100 feet of the premises" policy.

Side Notes for Select Readers

To those of you above the age of 18 who have no affiliation with Elkhart Memorial High School:

If you have been reading these posts and the subsequent comments, you have probably noticed that a number of my students have been commenting on this blogsite. You might be reading statements like "Mrs. Hepler (clearly they still do not understand that I am not married to my father) is the best teacher ever!" or "I never liked any class until yours." or even over-the-top claims like "You are the reason I've stayed in school."

While I deeply appreciate these heart-felt sentiments, some of you might be wondering why, if all this is true, have I never received a teacher-of-the-year award. Or perhaps be asking yourselves, "Why has no one written to Oprah or Regis and Kelly to take her on the 'Making Dreams Come True' episode?" These are all logical and relevant questions.

The simple truth is this: These same students who wax eloquence about how much they love me and miss me and can't wait to see me are the same students that have cussed me out for waking them up from their peaceful, serene dreams. I do not let them sleep because they are probably dreaming about going on Elimidate with 50 Cent, and I maintain that what I have to say is probably more interesting than anything 50 Cent might say (although I have not been shot, so I guess I lack some serious street credibility). Anyway... I don't want all of you to foolishly believe that I am some amazing teacher and start writing mass mailings to the Department of Education. In all likelihood, some kid is sitting in Memorial's cafeteria talking about what a b*$# I am and how I probably don't even have cancer and am faking it so that I can start my summer vacation early.

I guess absence really does make the heart grow fonder! (Trust me.... I'm even beginning to miss Brandon & Jarvis......that should tell you something!)

Sorting It Out: The Pros and Tons

Hey guys...we just returned from a long day in Chi-Town. I went to see Dr. Panje at Rush Presbyterian today. Basically, he agrees with Goshen that radiation is my best course of action. He said that there are some surgeons who would probably be willing to operate; however, the negative effects the surgery would have would probably not be worth it (for example, I would be totally deaf in my right ear, the right side of my face would be paralyzed, etc). Dr. Panje also gave us some good news: He has a great deal of experience treating this cancer, and he feels confident that it probably has not metastasized (spread to other systems in my body like my lungs, liver, or bones).

While I was in Chicago, the team of oncologists at Goshen were also meeting to discuss my case. They brought up proton radiation. Ironically, that is exactly what Dr. Panje recommended. The difference between proton radiation and traditional radiation is that proton radiation does not emit energy until it reaches the tumor site, at which time all the energy is delivered to the tumor to kill the cells. In traditional radiation, more energy is wasted in getting it to the cell. Proton radiation is definitely superior, but there are only 3 sites in the United States that are adminstering it. Dr. Panje planned to send me to California, but Goshen told us there is a site in Bloomington, Indiana. Either way I will be gone for 6 weeks, but at least I can come home on weekends if I go to Bloomington.

One thing I prayed about before going was that I would feel that there is a clear right answer about what I should do. I believe that prayer was definitely answered. Proton radiation is my best hope. Dr. Panje really believes it should stop the cancer and possibly even shrink it to the point that surgery is a viable option. Another great piece of news is that he expects that I will feel some major relief in symptoms within one week of starting radation (less pressure in my head, fewer headaches, less ear pain, etc.) Over the weekend we found out that the tumor is encasing my carotid artery. That is scary because your carotids are responsbile for blood flow to your brain. For now, my body is probably re-routing my blood to my other carotid; however, it puts me in a dangerous position. This is another major area for prayer. Pray that the radiation shrinks the tumor in such a way that my right carotid can begin functioning normally again (there is also a similar problem in my jugular vein).

If you know anything about my life right now, you probably know that leaving here is going to tear me apart. I don't want to be away from my friends or family -- especially Corlissa. This is another obvious prayer request. I am going to have to move quickly to develop a plan so that she will be taken care of, bills will get paid, etc. Many people have offered to take her in, but she really wants to be at home. The best case scenario is that I find someone I trust who is willing to stay here with her. I would like her life to continue as normally as possible during this time. Thanks again to all of you who have offered to help with so many of these worries. I cannot thank you all enough.

Okay... now for the best news. My friend Lori who went with me to Chicago insisted that I incorporate retail therapy into my course of treatment. The day definitely ended on a positive note for me (and for 3 lucky sales associates at Nordstrom). Fortunately, my co-worker and friend Colleen reminded me of a personal mantra I have posted on my desk in the Language Arts Office (bequeathed to me by Jane Poe, American Lit. teacher extraordinaire, upon her retirement): New Shoes Are the Answer..........Who Cares What the Question Is!

LIVID!!!!!!

I am angry. Scratch that....I'm infuriated. It just occurred to me that I suffered through 8 excruciating weeks of listening to my students mutilate the balcony scene in Romeo & Juliet. I delivered mini-lessons on couplets, puns, and soliloquy. I blushed (okay.... not really) as I explained the bard's covert sexual humor. In the end, all they really learned is that a couple of crazy kids rebelled against their parents and wound up dying for love.

Now, I'm going to be sitting at home with my best friend, Tivo, while some random sub gets to teach To Kill a Mockingbird! Is there no mercy in the world? Why couldn't I get cancer during the Shakespeare unit? Can someone leave me comments to let me know where you're at in TKAM? I'll list the important points you should be ready to discuss when I get back! Maybe I'll even add some quizzes to this blog.

The Plan

Last night I was scheduled to give a presentation at IUSB on the quality of mental health care in St. Joseph County. Instead, I was having a radiation mask made. Now that, my lovely students, is what you call an attention getter!

I have a ton of new information to share with you all. Yesterday, the lovely, amazing Candice Clarke called and pulled some strings to get me into Dr. Hostetter at the Center for Cancer Care in Goshen. Not only did she make all these contacts on my behalf, she also left school and stayed with us the entire day. Foutz, this woman deserves an entire box of Kudo's.

Although Candice knows Dr. Hostetter through her battle with breast cancer, when we arrived we learned that he actually specializes in head and neck cancers. Dr. Hostetter explained that ACC (Adenoid Cystic Carcinoma) is a type of cancer that is staged according to whether or not it is surgically treatable. Since mine is not, he does agree that it is stage 4. He believes the best course of action is to use radiation therapy. Radiation uses beams of high energy waves or particles (Kids, let's all get out our element charts) to kill cells or keep them from growing or dividing. Of course, radiation also kills good cells in your body, but unlike the cancer cells, they tend to recover. They suggested using IMRT radiation which uses a computer to more precisely deliver the beam so that they can specifically target just the bad cells and save as many of the good cells as possible.

I then met with Dr. Wheeler. He is the radiologist. I felt an incredible sense of peace about him. He told me that, although this is a tough tumor, he has battled this guy head on lots of times. He explained that ACC has a tendency to spread to the lungs, liver, or bones. So, he set up an appointment for a PET Scan on Monday. The PET Scan will basically give us a color-coded guide of cells in my body and will show us where there are any signs of cancer. For those of you who are praying, put this high on your list. Our hope and prayer is that the cancer has not spread to any other systems in my body. They want to start radiation right away and even made my mask (this keeps my head and neck very still as they aim the radiation at the tumor).

The doctors suggested that I do go to Chicago to get a second opinion; however, they truly believe that Dr. Panje at Rush Memorial will follow the same protocol to treat the cancer. They are willing to work together if Dr. Panje and the doctors at Rush can offer any alternatives, but the big decision I need to make now is where I will do my radiation. There is a big debate about whether or not this type of tumor responds better to photo or neutron radiation. I don't really know which is better and don't even have the mental energy to research this at this point (hey....anybody want to make this their personal mission and get back to me?). I'm not really sure what I will do if Goshen says they want to use photon and Chicago says Neutron, but since I will be going in for treatment everyday (M-F) for 6 weeks, I truly believe the best thing for me to do is to go to Goshen so that I can be surrounded by my family and friends during this time.

The 411

Okay... now that the introduction to my new blog is over, we'll get down to business. As many of you know, I've been struggling with major medical issues for the past two years. In the spring of 2004, my right ear plugged up and I could not seem to get it to pop open. I had the bright idea to try using an ear candle to clean out my ear. I drove all the way to a health food store and bought some ear candles and convinced my good friend Jacquie to help me in this endeavor. We rigged up a paper plate between my ear and the candle and lit the fire. I had my head over the Rost's kitchen sink when Scott walked in. He just looked at us, shook his head, and I think mumbled something like "Umm...uh....kid... that's probably not safe." A few minutes later my hair was in flames and my ear lobe was scalded. The following Monday I ended up at the Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor.

Dr. Kletzing did some tests and decided there was no real damage to my hear; however, he took one look at my nose, declared that I had a deviated septum, and I was scheduled for surgery a month later. In June of 2004, Dr. Kletzing performed the septoplasty (basically they break your nose bone and re-set it so that it is no longer crooked) and removed my tonsils. I recuperated while eating popsicles and floating in the Hammontree's pool. (It was all fine and until, despite strict orders not to get water up my nose, I fell off the raft).

Even though my breathing seemed to get better, my ear did not. I continued to experience pain and hearing loss in my right ear coupled with severe infections, and Dr. Kletzing referred me to an allergist. She was concerned about my ear infections because she didn't think she could figure out the source of my "system problem" until those cleared up. In July of 2005, she performed a CT Scan of my sinuses which came back normal. No one could figure out why my ears were not clearing up. Frustrated and in pain, I called my family doctor to get a referral to a new ENT.

Dr. Press started by treating my right ear with different combinations of ear drops and antibiotics. When this didn't clear up the infection, she put a tube in my right ear. The infections continued and seemed to get worse. Then, about a month ago, I started to experience pain in my neck and it hurt to chew and swallow. Doctor Press ordered another CT Scan. A week later she called to tell me that it came back abnormal. About a week later , I went in for an MRI of my brain. I waited and waited for the results. Last Monday Dr. Press called to say that the results were in. Jacquie drove me to the office and we sat and laughed while we waited for the doctor to come in. Dr. Press walked in with the opening line of "I don't know how to tell you this..." and we both sat with jaws dropped as Dr. Press explained that there was a huge mass in my nasal pharynx. Dr. Press ordered some blood work and scheduled me for a biopsy the next morning. Last Tuesday I had a piece of this mass removed and sent for testing. I was angry -- Not only did this dumb woman cut into my throat, but she totally interrupted my Chicago shopping trip.

The last week has been excruciating. Waiting for test results just sucks. I called on Monday and found out that my doctor had decided to go on vacation to California. Okay... so now I'm supposed to sit and panic about my life while you're off surfing in Malibu? I continued to call the office, and when I finally used the phrase "medically negligent" they began paging her in California.

I decided to leave school during my prep period yesterday. I just couldn't relax and wanted to get out of the building. I went over to Karl & Danielle's. I laid on the couch while Danielle played with my hair. I got a page from the doctor. The receptionist told me that Dr. Press had flown in from California and wanted to see me at 11:30. We called Karl and Danielle drove me to the office. Dr. Press came in and, in keeping with all integrity and mercy of the Hippocratic Oath, tried a new opening phrase, "So, by now you've probably figured out it's not good."

So here's the 411 for all of you: My official diagnosis is Atypical Adenoid Cystic Carcinoma. It is a rare form of cancer that usually starts in the adenoids. Mine is atypical because it is located in a different position. It starts at the top of my throat and is growing up through my sinus cavity and extends a little into my middle ear Dr. Press is concerned about the size and location of the tumor; however, she admits that she is definitely not an expert. Some of you have been hearing things like "it's already stage 4" or "it is inoperable" Both of these statements are a little misleading. Dr. Press is worried that the cancer is advanced because of its size. This is a slow-growing cancer, and because my mass is very large, she fears it has been growing for awhile now. She also told me that she thought just operating and removing the tumor would not work. This is not because there is no hope of getting it out, but simply because it is located in a tricky spot. The tumor is very near all the nerves in my face and cutting into it could cause permanent damage making me unable to chew, swallow, smile, etc.

On Monday I will be going to Rush Memorial Hospital in Chicago and meeting with Dr. Panje who is a specialist in this area (he is even mentioned by name in the doctor referral section of the ACC's (Adenoid Cystic Carcinoma) website. Of course, I am scared and nervous, but more than anything I just want to get this thing out of my face.

I'm sure the vicious rumor mill of Memorial High School has me impregnated with twins, completely bald, or in the casket already. I wanted all of you to have firsthand information from me so that you would know the facts. Now, here is the message I want all of you to really hear: I listen to kids' problems all day long. I tell them over and over again that so much of who we are is not what we go through, but how we react to it. Yeah, your life might totally and completely suck. Your dad can get locked up or walk out of your life, but you are the one to decide if all your problems -- past and present -- take your future. I absolutely refuse to sit and mope and cry about this. I have cancer. It is now a fact of my life. But, if you know me, you know that I am a fighter. I have a 16 year-old daughter who needs me. I have 30 kids sitting in a success period that I hound about homework, grades, boyfriends, and their sometimes shitty attitudes about school or life in general. I have worked my ass off so that I can see them graduate (remember... I will hunt you down and kill you if you get pregnant or drop out). I have a volleyball team that I fully expect to see go to Indianapolis, slaughter Muncie Burris, and win state. These are only a few of the many things I have to live for.

I will continue to update this blog. Please check in to get the facts. Leave me comments. I will try to respond to as many of them as possible. I appreciate all the support, encouragement, and prayers!

New Spring

April 24, 2005

"Spring Cleaning"

This morning I came to a startling reality. I’ve lived nearly 31 years of my life and I have virtually nothing to show for it. I spent the last three hours weeding through boxes I’d left tucked away in the darkest corners of my parents’ house. It wasn’t even a daunting task (Thank God for TLC and Clean Sweep). After the clouds of dust settled, I was left with three piles: Keep, Trash, and Give Away. A slight smile crept to my face when I discovered a few pictures and notes stuck to the damp pages of Norton’s English Anthology – memories of old friends I haven’t kept in touch with and slightly obsessive college relationships. As I was loading up the van to head to Good Will, it hit me. One box. That’s it. All I have accumulated of any significance in this lifetime can fit into one box. Neatly stacked in this box are 3 yearbooks chronicling a decade of legwarmers and big bangs, a copy of Rondo Capricioso – the one and only song Mrs. Murphy did not let me abandon until I turned haphazard notes into a piano masterpiece, and a few pictures reminding me of days when I did not have to lay down on my bed to button my pants.

It is quite a sobering reality when you think of it. My friends have family photo albums and scrapbooks of their toddlers (which I have begrudgingly oohed and ahhed over countless times) and framed wedding invitations. The cold, hard truth of my life is this: I, Ashli Hepler, have choreographed my life so that I have absolutely nothing to lose.

The previous posting was published approximately 1 year ago on my Xanga site. A lot has happened in a year. I've enjoyed over 20 pedicures, purchased a plasma television and a stylish leather Lazy-Boy, learned to casually and effectively use the word "fiddin'" in a sentence, and become a single mother to a 16 year-old black girl. My life has changed significantly. The most significant change is that -- despite all my efforts, all my choreography -- I've learned that I have a heck of a lot to lose. Oh well, I never could dance anyway.
Left to Right:
Jacquella (Corlissa's oldest sister)
Me a.k.a "White Momma"
Corlissa